


if they won't accept me, then others will have me

by ziathebee



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Rape, bitty im sorry, jack was having dinner with georgia at this time, just as a reminder, transboy! bitty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-28
Updated: 2016-08-28
Packaged: 2018-08-11 11:45:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7890706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ziathebee/pseuds/ziathebee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bitty, after having a panic attack, explains to the Samwell hockey team why he is afraid of checking.</p>
            </blockquote>





	if they won't accept me, then others will have me

**Author's Note:**

> hi!! i havent posted in a while (woops) but heyyyy here i am with some angsty cp fanfic lmao
> 
> btw this is p much the after of this: http://jewishnursey.tumblr.com/post/144174093340/for-your-consideration but with my own little twist on it bc trans bitty is my everything

Bitty hated this.

He hated the redness of his eyes and the tiredness in his face when he looked in the mirror. He hated the lump that had formed within his throat, and the emptiness in his belly. He hated the speed at which his mind was moving, pondering- always pondering- what he would say. What he would say to _them._ His _team._ Ransom, Holster, Chowder, Dex, Shitty, Lardo, Nursey. And Jack... Jack. Bitty's heart skipped a beat at nothing but the name, and his heart dropped deeper into his chest. Thank god he wasn't here- Bitty couldn't tell him. Not yet.

Bitty lifted his shaking hands to his face and fell backwards onto his mattress. Downstairs he could hear the hushed voices of his teammates speaking. Worrying too, probably. Bitty had gone up to his room an hour ago, after his incident in the supply closet. Lardo had escorted him to his room once he had regained his breathing pattern, and now there he lay, uncertain, afraid.

Bitty hated this.

There were seven people that loved him so dearly downstairs, ready to accept him, and yet Bitty was afraid. He had always been afraid. Afraid of many things. Afraid to wear dresses, afraid to wear makeup, afraid to tell others he's trans, afraid of touching. Afraid to be who he is. Afraid _of_ who he is.

He felt alone. So unbearably alone.

Bitty looked over at his cellphone, sitting on his bed-side table. A little shiver ran down his spine, and instantly the blonde decided to pull the blanket over himself. He did. It didn't help. He was warmer, sure, but it didn't cure the ache in his heart, and the anxiety bubbling in his brain. The boy's gaze lowered to the floor and he twiddled his toes anxiously. He was restless. He had to tell them, but he couldn't move. A rock had settled in his gut and Bitty could not bring himself to walk. So he laid there. Silent.

And then there was a knock at the door. A gentle knock. An unsure knock, a quiet knock, but a knock nonetheless. A reason to stand. A good one, too.

But he couldn't. So instead he spoke. "Come in." There was an ugly crack at the beginning of the second word, and Bitty surely flinched, but Chowder didn't mention it as he entered the room hesitantly.

"Uh, hi Bitty. Um, we uh, made you a pie! It's... not as good as y-yours, but we wanted to, u-uh, help. A little." The younger boy explained, holding out the not-so-neat pie. Bitty's heart melted at the timid look on Chowder's face, and his hand immediately lifted to his chest, mouth softly agape.

"Oh my... y'all are too sweet. Thank you for bringing it upstairs, but..." Bitty paused. What was the but? Was he going downstairs? Poor Chowder, bringing such a heavy treat all the way up, bless his heart, but Bitty knew he couldn't eat the pie by himself, and he had to tell the others what was on his mind eventually. So he continued with, "I'll be going downstairs." Chowder didn't complain, just followed the sophomore down the staircase.

Soon Bitty was standing in the entrance to the living room, his teammates' gazes lifting to watch him. Bitty could feel their eyes burning a hole in him, but he fought away the oncoming nerves that accompanied this uncomfortable sensation. Bitty stared at his feet for a few moments, and then scanned over the others. All their eyes were soft, patient, hopeful. Bitty smiled very gently, and all the others' expressions instantly matched his. He felt kinda better now, but the words on the tip of his tongue were boring away at his mind. He had to tell them, he knew that, but he wasn't sure he was ready. Things like this are difficult- Bitty has already told them all that he's gay, but to come out a _second time?_ They must be annoyed. Coach was.

Bitty twitched somewhat at the name. Nope, no more thinking about him. He was already anxious enough.

Bitty slipped from his thoughts to find the others still watching, still on the edges of their seats. Waiting. And Chowder stood awkwardly behind him. Waiting. Bitty didn't want to wait anymore.

So he moved into the living room, blanket waving a little bit behind him, and took a seat on the armchair across from that disgusting green couch. He really did need to get that cleaned, but obviously right now wasn't the best time for that.

"So. Um. I'm feeling better now. Kinda. Thanks for the pie," Bitty began, and a wave of relief seemed to wash over the Samwell hockey team. "But I... I have something to tell you. I think. Uh... a-a lot of things." He continued, dark brown eyes drifting downwards as he pulled the blanket tighter around his small body. He could sense his team's anxiety in the air. He felt bad, for just a moment, but then he realized he was keeping them on edge and kept talking.

"Um... in 7th grade a few 8th graders locked me in the girls' locker room. And all through school I was abused, and b-bullied." He said, the words he spoke forming a perfect picture in his mind. He remembered being locked in that tiny space, screaming for help. He was there for two whole hours until his parents called the principal saying he hadn't come home and the janitors searched the school. They found him dead asleep against a wall, knuckles bleeding from punching at the door for so long. His parents picked him up and he woke up at 3 a.m. in a cold sweat, haunted by the memories of the night before. He didn't go back to school for two days, and then he was forced to when the third came. The torture continued.

The Samwell team had fallen silent in pure shock. Who would... who _could_ , hurt such an innocent boy like Bitty? They could not even fathom how fucked up a person had to be to ruin such a kind soul.

"Is that why you don't like checking?" Shitty asked.

Bitty breathed out a trembling sigh. "S-Sorta." His answer was halfhearted and hesitant. He wasn't sure if he was prepared to tell them the other reason.

Nursey reached out, setting a hand on his teammate's knee. Bitty couldn't deny that he shuddered a bit at the contact, but as he heard Nursey's voice, he realized there was no reason to be afraid. "You can tell us anything, Bits." Bitty knew that. _He knew that._ So why couldn't he just say the words? It was as if they kept forming in his throat, and then dissipating when he pulled his lips apart. He couldn't do this.

Tears began to gather in Bitty's eyes and he stuffed his face into his palms, trying not to concern his teammates. But they already saw, and as soon as he began to weep, they were gathering around him, offering him gentle pats on the back and delicate hugs, and sweet whispers in his ears.

And yet, despite all the comfort, Bitty's fear only grew worse. Suddenly he was shouting for them to move away, hot tears streaming down his cheeks, and his throat hoarse. The others instantly obeyed, though the concern showed more than ever on their faces. They felt guilty, Bitty knew that. He knew what that was like. But that wasn't the point.

"Please... please d-don't t-touch me right n-now." He stammered, wiping away his tears hastily. It took him a minute or so to recover enough to speak clearly, and then he understood why he had acted out. But the others didn't.

Ransom spoke in a soft tone, his hands quivering. "Bitty... why? Are you okay?"

Bitty shook his head in response and then muttered, "Too many hands."

This statement didn't seem to surprise the others. But Bitty knew that it would soon. He knew what he was going to do, but he hesitated as he rose to his feet and let the blanket fall off his body. He lifted his hands to the hem of his shirt and rubbed at the fabric for a few moments, the others watching him with confusion evident in their eyes. Bittle exhaled and then pulled the shirt off.

And what his teammates saw was none other than a binder around his chest. Instantly their faces morphed into realization and they fell silent. The room was so quiet, you could hear a pen drop.

"When I was fourteen, I hadn't transitioned yet, but some of my friends knew I wanted to be a boy. One of them told another person, and the rumor spread. Soon, everyone in the school knew." He explained, sitting down again in a manner that made it seem like his legs had given out. He felt weak. Small. It wasn't a nice feeling, but he knew he was these things. Because he was feminine. Because he was a _girl._

No, no. Not a good time for dysphoria. Bitty struggled to push these thoughts aside, and then he shut his eyes tight and let the words slip from his mouth before he regretted saying them.

"When I was fourteen, I was raped."

Within moments Lardo's hands flew over her mouth, tears filling her eyes. Ransom and Holster's eyes widened in complete disbelief and anger. Chowder and Dex began to cry, and Nursey was clinging to the arm of the couch as if it was his lifeline. Shitty was trying to comfort Lardo, but he was crying soon as well.

And then Bitty was sobbing, and he propelled himself into the couch. His teammates' arms wrapped around him and he cried into Holster's shoulder while the others embraced him.

Soon Bitty was out of tears, and just pressed his face into the nook of Holster's neck. But eventually he pulled back, staring at the d-man's chest in silence. He didn't know what to say.

"B-Bits, Bits, oh my god, we're so sorry this happened to you... You, you didn't deserve any of that. We... we l-love you, so much, Bitty." Shitty rambled, shaky hand resting on Bitty's back.

Bitty was quiet for a little bit and then he let his head fall limp against Holster. "I... I love y-you too."

Soon the Samwell hockey team was laying in a pile on the couch, crying together, hugging one another. There was so much love in that one tiny space that Bitty's heart practically shattered, but it didn't. For a little while, he felt entirely complete. These were the people he was meant to find all his life. If Coach didn't accept him, or those students in high school, then at least he'd found a beautiful group of people who did.

And as Bitty let the exhaustion of the day wash over him, the last thing he thought was that he had found his true family. And he felt so incredibly lucky.


End file.
